Children and young people
In a relationship where there is domestic abuse, your children will witness the abuse in a number of different ways, they may see or hear or even be involved in the abuse. You may believe your children are unaware of what was happening, but they can often remember exactly what happened. Besides the possible physical abuse, your children will almost certainly suffer emotional abuse by being shouted at, told they are stupid or are not trying hard enough, or are given mixed messages by being favoured one moment and put-down the next. These emotionally damaging actions often have a long-lasting effect on the children.
How are children affected by domestic abuse?
It is very upsetting for children to see one of their parents/step-parent/partner abusing or attacking the other either physically or emotionally. How your child is affected depends on each individual child, their age and gender, how much they witness and whether or not they are personally involved in the abuse. Domestic Abuse is relevant to your child's present and future well-being, and there is a significant overlap with child abuse.
Behavioural problems that your child could develop include:
Babies
Excessive crying
Failure to gain weight
Asthma or other allergies
Exaggerated startle responses / Stiffness
Sad facial expressions
Lack of interest
Toddlers
Aggression to adults and peers / Defiance and non-compliance
Reckless and accident prone
Nightmares / Insomnia
Emotional withdrawal / Late speech development
Asthma or other allergies
Children and young people
Depression / Anxiety
Rejection of authority
Aggression and anger
Anti Social Behaviour /Early experimentation with drugs
Eating disorders
School failure / Lack of concentration /Unable to make friends
Insomnia and/or nightmares / Bed-wetting
Long-term effects
Children tend to copy the behaviour of their parents. Boys learn from their fathers to be abusive to women. Girls learn from their mothers that abuse is to be expected, and something you just have to put up with. However children don’t always behave in the same way as their parents when they grow up. Many children don’t like what they see, and try very hard not to make the same mistakes as their parents.
Even so, children from abusive families often grow up feeling anxious and depressed, and find it difficult to get on with other people. Older children will often hold themselves responsible for the abuse, especially where extreme abuse has been an issue.
Remembered that even where your child is 'only' witnessing abuse, it can affect not only your child's well-being during or shortly after the abuse, but affect your child's ability to build and maintain healthy relationships in his/her adult life.
Click here for more information about the effects on the child.
Contact with other parent
The big issue for people who have separated from an abusive person is contact between their child and the child's other parent/step-parent. Before you make arrangements, there are some things you should consider.
Is it safe for you or your children to see the other parent?
Do your children want to see their other parent? If yes, for how long and how often would be appropriate?
Even if it is safe for your child, do you feel safe? If you don't feel safe or don't want to see the other parent, your child could see them at the home of someone you all trust or at a Contact Centre
If you and the children feel safe seeing their other parent, where would be a good place to meet? You could meet in a place that is neutral and safe (for example, a local park, local outdoor/indoor playground).
If contact stopped but is starting again, how could you help your child with this change? Perhaps you could take things slowly by having some short visits first.
Is there is a chance that you and your child's other parent might argue or fight? Is it likely that your child might feel upset or worried about arguments when they see the two of you together? Having a Contact Centre or mutual friend to do the handover can sometimes be less confusing and scary for your child.
Very young children will not understand what is going on, but as they get older, your child will probably start to see and talk about the contact visits. It's important to give your child lots of chances to talk about their feelings and to support them and respond to their worries in simple words.
It’s important to get further legal advice and/or counselling if you are concerned about your or your child's safety.
Children And Family Court Advisory Support Services (CAFCASS)
Cafcass looks after the interests of children involved in family proceedings. They work with children and their families, and then advise the courts on what we consider to be in the best interests of individual children
Supporting for children and young people
Safety planing for children and young people
Resources
Help lines
- National helpline
(24 hrs)
0808 2000 247 - Oxfordshire domestic abuse helpline
0800 731 0055 - Police
(non emergency)
101 - Victim support
0845 450 3883 - Kiran Asian
women’s aid
0208 558 1986 - Men's advice line
0808 801 0327 - Broken Rainbow
(LGBT)
020 8539 9507 - Elder abuse
0808 808 8141 - Childline
0800 1111
