Supporting children and young people
Most people worry about how they can talk to their child about difficult issues such as a parent/partner’s abuse, their behaviour, and their school performance. Domestic abuse can impact on a child's life in many different ways, behaviour may become more difficult, or they suddenly become 'too good'. Their concentration suffers and they can lose interest in hobbies, school work or other activities, and might find it hard to make or keep friends. For older children this could be because they are trying to keep their home life a secret, for younger children, it might be because they find it hard to share or play easily.
Things you could do to help your child through these difficult times
- Discuss the situation using words that suit their age
- Give them lots of care, affection and comfort
- Watch their behaviour and play, for example, how they share and how they deal with not getting their way
- Listen to them and allow them to show their feelings; tell them that it's okay to feel what they do
- Let them know what is okay and not okay behaviour
- Give them lots of reassur once that the abuse or separation is not their fault
- Do everything you can to help them live safely and securely
- Your child is withdrawn or aggressive (for example, biting or hitting)
- Your child might show these behaviours at various times. Your child needs to know how to express their feelings in a positive way. They need firm messages that it is never okay to hurt somebody.
- Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, worries and understanding of the situation.
- Consider whether counselling might help your child
- Talk with your child about ways of showing feelings … especially about safe ways of showing anger
- Be clear with your child about what behaviour is okay and what is not okay.
- Make this specific and suitable for their age. For example, 'It's not okay to scream and kick your friends at Nursery/School or 'It's not okay to hit someone'.
Your child saw or heard you being hurt by a family member.
Your child does not have to witness abuse first-hand to be affected by it. If they know that another family member has hurt you physically or emotionally, they might be very sad and confused. Depending on their age, your child might also feel betrayed, hurt and angry. Your child's feelings might impact on their behaviour in many different ways.
- Give your child lots of care
- Encourage them to talk about how they are feeling
- Tell your child that the abuse is not their fault
- Tell your child that abuse is never okay
- Tell your child what to do if they feel unsafe
- Tell your child what to do if anyone ever hurts them (for example, 'Tell Mummy / Daddy or tell a teacher')
- If you have left the abusive person, it will help your child to say 'We are safe now.'
Low confidence or self-esteem or lack of social skills
Children who have experienced abuse often lack social skills such as sharing and playing. This can mean that they find it hard to make friends. It can also affect their school performance.
- Give your child lots of care
- Encourage them to talk about what happens at school and when they’re playing with their friends, but don't push them to
- name friends.
- Tell your child when they do something well
- Identify and encourage positive behaviours, preferably straight away. For example, 'It was great that you asked Tom/Jane to play with you.'
- Name and praise activities that your child is good at. For example, “That's a great story you wrote' or 'You're such a good swimmer'
- Help your child to participate in activities that they enjoy and are good at, football, gym or music.
Your child is withdrawn or aggressive (for example, biting or hitting)
Your child might show these behaviours at various times. Your child needs to know how to express their feelings in a positive way. They need firm messages that it is never okay to hurt somebody.
- Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, worries and understanding of the situation
- Consider whether counselling might help your child
- Talk with your child about ways of showing feelings … especially about safe ways of showing anger
- Be clear with your child about what behaviour is okay and what is not okay.
Make this specific and suitable for their age. For example, 'It's not okay to scream and kick your friends at Nursery/School or 'It's not okay to hit someone'.
Activities to get your child to express how they feel
Drawing and painting are great ways to encourage your child to talk about how they are feeling especially if they are young. Sit down with your child and while you are both drawing, or afterwards, ask your child to talk about their drawing. Often, children will express a lot this way, which opens up possibilities to talk about changes, feelings and worries. If your child draws something that worries you, ask them to tell you about it. Subject ideas you could use.
Family/self drawings
Ask your child to draw a picture of,
- Their family doing something together
- Their new house and/or their old house
- A picture of themselves
- Themselves at school
Dream drawings
Draw a person sleeping in bed, dreaming. This could be shown by a large cartoon-like thinking-bubble. Ask your child to draw in the bubble what they think the person might be dreaming. Or you could also ask them to draw the person’s good dream and bad dream. Ask your child to tell you about their drawing. You could ask if they have ever had those type of dreams. This is another playful and gentle way of opening up possibilities to talk about things, especially if children are having nightmares.
Paper plate faces
Ask your child to draw faces showing different feelings on the paper plates (happy, angry/mad, sad, scared). You could join in too and make your own, which would make a game of the whole activity. These become masks that you and your child can use to show and maybe talk about how they feel about a place, a person, or about things that happen.
You could ask your child,
- Which face do you have on when you go to school?'
- Which face do you have on when it's bed-time?'
- Which face do you have on when you see Mum / Dad?
- Why do you have your happy/sad face on at school?'
- Encourage your child to hold the chosen plate/mask up to their face. Let them ask you questions too.
Remember your child needs your love and understanding in what in their eyes is a confusing and frightening situation.
Professionals working with children, including doctors, nurses, teachers and social workers, should make themselves available for the child to talk to, and offer the help and advice they need.
Positive parenting
Parents have the greatest influence over your child, and learning and implementing positive parenting skills will be the greatest help available to the child. There are a number of parenting programmes around the county that although not specific to domestic abuse they could help parents with develop positive parenting skills and the confidence to do so.
Support Services and Agencies
Resources
Help lines
- National helpline
(24 hrs)
0808 2000 247 - Oxfordshire domestic abuse helpline
0800 731 0055 - Police
(non emergency)
101 - Victim support
0845 450 3883 - Kiran Asian
women’s aid
0208 558 1986 - Men's advice line
0808 801 0327 - Broken Rainbow
(LGBT)
020 8539 9507 - Elder abuse
0808 808 8141 - Childline
0800 1111
