Male domestic abuse victims
There are both similarities and differences. Some of the responses to violence from a partner are the same. Being abused by somebody you love and trust can be confusing and bewildering, and
Admitting to being abused is difficult for anybody, but men often don't have the social networks in place to easily tell a friend or family member. When guys go down the pub it is not necessarily for a chat. Phone lines, like the Men's Advice Line, (MALE) will give
For both male and female victims of abuse, the message is the same;
- you are not alone
- it is not your fault
- help is available.
What can I do if I am in a violent relationship?
- Recognise that it is happening to you.
- Accept that you are not to blame.
- If possible, try and extricate yourself from the situation and leave as your personal safety is of paramount importance.
- Do not retaliate physically or verbally
- Keep a diary of incidents, noting down times, dates and witnesses, if any.
- Keep a photographic record of injuries.
- Report each incident to your GP or hospital.
- Take advice regarding injunctions from a reliable solicitor.
- Seek help from a local council housing officer, especially if children are involved.
- Ensure that you have your evidence.
What help is available?
Men have exactly the same rights as women to be safe in their own homes. All statutory services the police, Crown Prosecution Service, housing departments and social services have a duty to provide services to all, whatever their gender.
Men are protected by exactly the same laws as women - anyone who has assaulted another person, regardless of the gender of either, can be prosecuted.
If you are a man experiencing domestic violence and you need emergency help you can call the police on 999.
If you don't find the right help immediately, it's important that you keep looking until you find someone who can support you at this difficult time. It doesn't make you weak to ask for help.
Oxfordshire domestic abuse helpline
Telephone: 0800 731 0055
Monday-Saturday 10am - 4pm
Mens advice line
Telephone: 0808 801 0327
Free from landlines and most mobile phones.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm.
The Men's Advice Line is a confidential helpline for men who experience violence from their partners or ex-partners.
Website: www.mensadviceline.org.uk
Email: info@mensadviceline.org.uk
Mankind
Telephone: 01823 334244
Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 9pm except Friday evenings
Website: www.mensadviceline.org.uk
Victim support
Telephone: 0845 450 3883
Website: www.victimsupport.org
Samaritons
Telephone: 08457 90 90 90
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
Survivors UK
Telephone: 0845 122 1201
Website:
Other support services for victims of domestic abus
If I leave where will I go?
Leaving your home doesn't affect your right to return, your tenancy rights or ownership of the home. Whether you rent or own your home, you have the same rights. Being assaulted by somebody you know is still a crime and you have a right to be protected under the law and can report this to the police to begin a criminal investigation if you wish.
There are a handful of projects around the country that offer accommodation to male victims of domestic abuse. MALE advice line will be able to tell you if there are any in your area. Privately rented accommodation could be expensive staying with your mates or family will probably be your first choice.
If you are homeless as a result of domestic violence, your local council housing can arrange emergency accommodation. They may ask you to provide evidence that you are being abused, which is when keeping a record of everything can be useful. Emergency accommodation is usually in a bed and breakfast and will be for a limited period only. To apply for this you need to approach your local council housing department. Your local housing department will provide you with a list of ed and breakfasts in the area and single male hostels.
You may decide that it is safe to return to your home if you get an
There are two types:
1. Non molestation order
This is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner from using threatening violence against you or your children;
2. Occupation order
An Occupation order regulates who can live in the family home and can also restrict your abuser from entering the surrounding area.
What about my children?
Your safety and the safety of your children is paramount.
Agree a code word or action that is only known to you and a trusted friend or neighbour so you can signal when you are in danger and cannot access help yourself. Think about your safety more closely as you may not realise the danger you are in.
Find out information about local services; offer to keep spare sets of keys or important documents, such as passports, benefit books, in a safe place so that you can access them quickly in an emergency.
Keep the children safe. Remember that it isn’t the children’s responsibility to protect you. In an emergency they could call for help from the police, go to a neighbour, or a relative or someone they trust.
The family courts deal with all child contact disputes on a case by case basis. Evidence of domestic violence will be taken into account and decisions about residence and contact made accordingly.
If you're concerned for the welfare of any child you can contact local social services, ChildLine's freephone helpline 0800 1111 or the NSPCC freephone helpline on 0808 800 5000.
What might an abused man be feeling and experiencing?
An abused man is often overwhelmed by fear, a fear of: further violence, his safety and the safety of their children
Victims often believe that they are at fault and that by changing their behaviour the abuse will stop.
He may experience a conflict of emotions. He may love his partner, but hate the violence and abuse. He may live in hope that his abuser’s ‘good side’ will reappear.
He may be dependent upon his partner, emotionally and financially.
He may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment.
He may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about his future
So what can family and friends do to support him?
Talk to him and help him to open up. You may have to try several times before he will confide in you
Try to be direct and start by saying something like, “I’m worried about you because …..” or “I’m concerned about your safety…”
Do not judge him.
Listen to and believe what he tells you – often people do not believe a man when he first discloses abuse.
Reassure him that the abuse is not his fault and that you are there for him.
Don’t tell him to leave or criticise him for staying. Although you may want him to leave, he has to make that decision in his own time.
Leaving takes a great deal of strength and courage. An abused person often faces huge obstacles such as nowhere to go, no money and no-one to turn to for support.
Focus on supporting him and building his self confidence.
Acknowledge his strengths and frequently remind him that he is coping well with a challenging and stressful situation.
An abused person is often very isolated and has no meaningful support – help them to develop or to keep up their outside contacts. This will help boost their self esteem.
If he has not spoken to anyone else, encourage him to seek the help of a local domestic violence agency that understands what he is going through and offers specialist counselling and support.
Be patient. It takes time for a someone to recognise they are being abused. Recognising the problem is an important first step.
Help lines
- National helpline
(24 hrs)
0808 2000 247 - Oxfordshire domestic abuse helpline
0800 731 0055 - Police
(non emergency)
101 - Victim support
0845 450 3883 - Kiran Asian
women’s aid
0208 558 1986 - Men's advice line
0808 801 0327 - Broken Rainbow
(LGBT)
020 8539 9507 - Elder abuse
0808 808 8141 - Childline
0800 1111
